Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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It's blow job season.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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