i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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