Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
third nipple confirmed
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
