Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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