There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
