god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
