When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
