Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
the gays at disneyland are vicious
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
