We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize