i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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