what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
