im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My liver just had a heart attack.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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