4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
