I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
