Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
