In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
