I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
