Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
