I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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