you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Define "chronic" masturbator.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
