i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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