MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
