I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
