no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
