Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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