I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
