New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
