Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
