I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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