I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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