people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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