So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
