Someone shit on the floor
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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