I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
