I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
