if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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