how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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