you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
