If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
