I wish you could order shots online.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
