I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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