I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
