hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
did i walk over a car last night?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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