The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
