No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
