I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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