i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
