im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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