I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
