Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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