just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
