I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize