I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
