your parents love me but you hate me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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