Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
