I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
