I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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