Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
